Peeing gives your feet time to think....

Below is a ridiculous little jotting I found sitting here at Nostalgia sifting through my journal( a google doc :) from my touring around days earlier this year. This is apparently what my restless and slightly inebriated mind comes up with in the middle of the night. Its funny to read something you apparently wrote yet you have no memory of ever writing it. Especially something so ridiculous. Although it is just silliness emptied from my mind's subconscious bladder I thought that I would share it... Much like me my mind enjoys peeing in public.

So here you are..... in the pitch of night in some unfamiliar abode in the Midwest. You fumble through an unfamiliar hall called to action out of a deep sleep by nature and empty bottles of Sam Adams. Remember how you are a traveling hermit? Is it any wonder you find yourself yet again confused in foreign situation? Your senses of time, place, being and location of the bathroom are ever subject to this precarious uncertainty. You are constantly entering and leaving new worlds with every fickle moment that passes. Anyway back to this moment... A yellow beam from a hall hung night light like a beacon bleeds with a flickering pulse on to the hall floor and wall. The light the color of hobo teeth creeps from the hall on into a room reflecting off a floor’s surface obviously of the non-carpeted variety. Linoleum you think?! Linoleum! That’s a good sign you semi consciously deduce as it indicates perhaps a bathroom or laundry room. You prepare to enter.

With a blind man’s hand and half the arm attached to it you reach awkwardly around a wall corner and in. You fumble until an involuntary flick of the light switch illuminates the white waterproofed room. Most of you immediately starts to deal with an intense stabbing light but your lower brain only feeling natures call emits a cerebral and non-auditory “score”. You shimmey back and forth ever forward into the room while a stabbing white light assaults deep beyond your eyeball skins. Your eye lids flip out overreacting to the light. The rounded skin curtains with lashes are dancing like a single winged moth with epilepsy causing the light to come at you with an unbearable flutter. Because of this the light that does make it through annoyingly pees into your stream of consciousness. In this situation you hope beyond hope that this is indeed a bathroom and you’re not about to pee into a Washing Machine.

You continue to blink, shimmey and fumble with hands out but finally you find yourself sitting on a toilet. Although your anatomy dictates a standing position you are sitting simply to avoid the effort of aiming your yellow business. With your peepers still adjusting your tucked back naughty zone semi-involuntarily goes to work. You regret your laziness to stand and aim as now the B vitamin contents of the newly purchased mystery multi vitamin from a drugstore in Detroit cannot be visually accessed immediately from the source. You peer down between knees and pale blonde speckled thighs. Between your legs on the floor you notice a tag flipped the wrong way coming out the side of the bathroom rug.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54t0iyp_udc
(For more info on sitting while you pee watch this instructional video)

The underside of the tag is something sewn in Swedish. Hmmm IKEA has apparently made to the heartland your mind’s voice grumbles. You are confronted with an upside down backwards word that reminds you of perhaps a species of deer with a name composed with every vowel available on the wheel of fortune. You immediately feel the hasty fabricated cheapness of the rug on the bottoms of your special feet.

Now the bottoms of your feet you remember are like a more tender and silky version of a baby's butt. This tenderfoot quality unfitting for their use as the sole ambassadors to the harsh and abrasive Earth has been provided by a lifelong and hypervigilant campaign of over protection. Like a pale and frail young prince isolated in an ivory tower they are tender to a fault unable to handle the real world. However, as a result of this effort your porcelain feet can now take in the world like a god gifted sixth sense.

You see the bottoms of your feet are like a magical scientific instrument unlike any other. They can feel, see, taste and communicate in a universal stream of sense beyond imagination. Your feet upon the bathroom rug senses the strands of cotton separated between the feeling from the pseudo strands of plastic spines woven into the rug. With your feet’s sixth sense the components of the rug are broken down into a chemical language of elements. Atoms are counted. They back it up a bit now as Urine content is assessed, tasted and interviewed. Bacterial colonies are visited by diplomats from your foot’s grand network of sensory outreach. You sense a particularly interesting bacteria named Teri, Teri the Bacteria. Teri enjoys deep sea diving and molecular monopoly. Like any bacteria she tastes terrible. Moving on your sixth sense dives deeper into Teri beyond her cell wall and plasma membrane. Swimming through the cytoplasm deeper through her single spaghetti like string of DNA. Your sense commutes deeper breaking into a single nucleotide a universe of scope and activity in itself. Cornered off is an atom and your sense dives deeper towards it.

Your sense dodges off pesky electrons as it travels into what now seems like a football stadium of open space. It approaches four balls of protons and neutrons. You say hello and you peel back the skin of a proton and reveal a super massive black hole among a universe of its own but quickly reseal it out of fear. You peel back the skin of a neutron and reveal a supernova among another universe exploding out with a force that would make a billion nuclear bombs feel like morning drizzle. With wonder and amazement still boiling up in you, you quickly reseal the neutron. You ponder the profundity of it all but before you can make any sense of it you are finished with your yellow business and immediately shoot upwards and walk off the rug. Your eyes now adjusted to the light you flick the switch and now try and make sense of a new pitch abyss of darkness. Again you enter a new world.