My Open Letter to the American Bald Eagle

Attn: THE AMERICAN BALD EAGLE
Subject: EVERYTHING
Address: Washington D.C

Dearest timeless endearing feathered symbol of freedom and liberty aka American Bald Eagle,


Baldy, I am sorry but a raging fire under my ass has compelled me to

write you in these earnest and distressing times. I have turned off the

TV, hiked up my sweat pants, put a Totinos pizza in the oven and

changed my Aim status to busy for this. This isn’t to be taken lightly,
it regards the state of Union err umm Nest. You see it isn’t the dive

bombing economic state or festering state of our decaying democracy per

se. No, as your average American I am writing you with a more

predictably prosaic and banal observation. You see it’s just that funky

smell of yours filling up the nostrils of the nation and my own that I

want to talk to you about. I tell you it smells something awful. The
smell is almost unimaginable but it is something like if you stuffed
some putrid poultry with some long expired mayo and let it ferment
nestled in an aged Pete Fonda’s taint as he free rides it through the
muggy south. It’s not the waves of grain and purple mountain majesty

breeze that I remember. This is a serious stench but hey my bird the
first step is always identifying the smell but let us roots it out to
the source or cause because it cannot be an issue of hygiene alone.

Now, I don’t know if I should mention this but have you noticed that
you are sizzling in front of a vintage free-market microwave lacking
protective shielding? I don’t think you were supposed to be cooked like

some kind of Thankful Turkey or McNugget bird the aroma is just too
unnatural. So what’s with this microwave cooking you instead of what it
was designed for remember how that microwave had great promise of
nuking our profits into more and more profits? Remember how it was to
have regulatory, ethical or moral protective plating built in to keep
us from getting burned? That sizzle its putting off that aroma of stink
lines floating above you. I think we have found a source of the problem
remembering of course the real problem being that once beautiful breezy
lavender of liberty smell hypnotically enticing to the souls of
individuals that now smells morally repugnant and stale. It’s enough to
even out of disgust tame peppy la pew’s skuny hard on. Do you catch my

drift about your whiff? Good because the problem gets worse.

That free-..market-..cant-go-wrong micro-deathbox you’re standing in front of ya, that short sided

credulous creation of convenience well without those protections it is

now inconveniently ionizing your scarce assortment of birdie brain
cells (and let’s stress the scarcity). Let us think about this, by way
of the microwaves hitting your skull every lil baking cell in your head
is gasping up an ignorant exhaust of leukemia to be picked up by your

birdy blood cells metastasizing hemlock through the entire economy of
your tight birdie veins. Oh and yes it’s becomes worse ever still as
this disease has become airborne and contagious. The money we all had
in your microwave hoping to cook into a comfortable future is a molten

toxic mess. It has leaked out and the toxic molten assets are burning
holes in the infrastructure of our country like the acidic blood of

those biting head within a biting head alien foes of Sigourney Weaver.
Now, I feel I am a little to blame in this as I smelled what you had
cooking before all too willingly. I bought into the smell I guess
though not that my 401k left me with any other choice. Still had you
not sold off those protective shields for a quick corrupt profit
perhaps your once dividending cells would not be perilously dividing
uncontrollably.


This cancer that you and the rest of us are now dealing with is surely
depressing but let’s not forget the smell (if I havnt beaten that drum
hard enough refer back to paragraph 1) In getting to the bottom of this
smell I think I have found some more trouble. Perhaps it’s the fact
that your every nook and cranny is now swelling and pulsing with cancer
bulges that has made you aloof to the fact that you’re sitting over a
massive pile of eggs ½ of which have been crushed. Leaving smelly cold

congealed glue plastered to the surviving eggs. You’ve forgotten that

you have buns in the oven. Left unchecked they burn up like you. This

barbaric situation of progressive draconian poverty stinks and only
adds to the smell. In any case I guess it’s a fitting way for your sad
next generation to come into this cruel stinky world anyhow. For the

ones you don’t eat immediately at birth, most others although filled
with a certain free spiritedness will ultimately be eliminated by
starvation. Left to rot and stink up the nest. You are too busy feeding
the other “elite” old aristo-birds in the nest the ones that whispered

in your ear no doubt to create that microwave sans the protective
shielding of course. Ironically these are the old fat birds that turned
into foxes and ran around in the hen house of our economy. Why are you
trying so hard to feed this sick paranoid mess of birds even save whose

only threat or predators apparently are these fluffy white newborns for
trying to take a bite out of that stomach bile pile of wealth. The only
little fluffy white kin that can make it are the ones who respectfully
clean the crap out of the old aristo-..birdie’s seed holes. For god
sakes kick these old birds out of the nest. Despite some atrophy in
their flight muscles my guess is they can fly fine maybe they can focus
their elite-ness on the mastery of liberating aviation instead of this

alienating system of maximizing greed.

This can leave you to focusing on creating more opportunity and life
for new generations. Maybe create a system for enlightened high flying

birds not this system for no-flying shit eating fat foxy-fowls. I know
this is coming off as harsh but at some point the gauntlet had to be
thrown down. I marvel and wretch at the way you are ignorantly trapped

in a prison aviary of this consumptive system of avarice, the fact that
you are too heavy to fly perhaps a comforting irony to your
imprisonment. Flightless and bloated you sit there eating what you shit

and shitting where you used to eat. Is this American dreaming? I think
not but I’ve run off course. It’s just that smell that I can’t stand as
I cannot be bothered with all the details of its cause. I am too busy
chasing the tail of the American Dream. You know treading the water from the “rising tide” that was supposed to lift all boats… (I guess that only applies if you have a boat).
Perhaps you can take care of this stink, get back in to shape, and
learn to fly again? Maybe come pick me and my drowning friends out of
these dark economic waters or at least lower the tide? What do you say
symbol of liberty, freedom and national pride?

Forever and Always Yours,
Chris Jex